Single ?

Single ?

Most people are scared to be single. They think that being single is equal to be lonely. But is this true ? Are single people always lonely ? The answer is ; no they are seldom lonely. They do have moments that they feel alone. But in current days many married people have the same feeling. Being alone, even in a relationship, is no longer a rare event. The more we are surrounded with the millions of people the more we have moments of being completely alone. Even in a crowd we can feel very lonely. The question is WHAT makes us feel lonely or alone ?

 Loneliness is a certain state of mind. It is a moment, or longer, that you have a need of communication but no change to get it at that moment. It is a combination of desire to communicate, to be understood, to feel appreciated and cared for. The intensity of that moment can make you feel alone or lonely. For most people the feeling of being alone is momentary, it comes , your realize it and it passes away. But feeling lonely is a kind of intense understanding that you miss something, you feel you are not complete. Loneliness is emotional and can hurt.

 Loneliness is related to depression. It is a negative state of mind that starts as a few little thoughts and slowly grow like a cancer cell starts with a single cell. The negative thoughts are leading from feeling of being left alone, feeling neglected, avoided and often not-appreciated. These thoughts are poison to the mind and the main problem is that they are hard to get rid of, especially when you are alone. Most people who suffer from any form of loneliness will slowly lose their abilities to function well in society. We can consider loneliness as a form of depression.

 Being alone on the contrary is a state of physically independency. You are not living with another person in a relationship. Sometimes being alone is not nice and can cause loneliness. But in today’s society being alone can deliver great benefits for your own mental and physical development. Work has become a time consuming event and most of us work at least 12 hour a day and more is not unusual. This implies that having a relationship is only reserved for the night time. Only sharing the bed is not good for creating common goals and understanding. A good relationship demands more !

 In China the demand for the perfect partner is rising. Most people have a list of demands for a partner. This checklist is drawn by experience but also by information of social media, TV and discussions with friends. The perfect husband or wife has become a target. This strive to perfection is conflicting with the traditional values in which the woman has a serving place. Our woman are no longer willing to serve and the new generations are not even able to serve a man. The new generation woman must be independed, well educated, strong in target orientation and carrier hunting. Most Chinese man do not want such a woman. This kind of woman is equal or even superior to the man. But do men understand why these woman are like that ? The answer is , no they do not understand.

Single woman are often not single because they want to be single. They are single because there is not much choice and the demands of family is forcing them in a position they have to accept but it does not imply they like it. Due to the single child policy woman must be caretakers for the parent and financial providers for and their own and the future of these parents. Woman have taken the traditional role of the man. With taking over this role the woman also have become social male, this is a burden many must carry without the ability to start a relationship.

 But the woman are active. Most have a social life next to the daily work. Woman create social networks , have communication with friends and join activities. Men have problems with communication, do not have many friends beside work and colleague and use social networking for entertainment purpose. Most men are strongly depended on their family relationships.

 In China I have searched for the differences between being single as male and as female. There are significant differences. Most single male still live with their parent or in work dormitories or male houses and share their personal space with many. Single woman strive to get their own place, they try to have their own home, their own private space. Men seem not to care much for privacy and even while unhappy still prefer the company of other males above the privacy of their own home. In my study I was confronted that the need for communication for both genders is solved in different ways. Males communicate with people in the immediate surroundings, female look for other opportunities like via internet. This is one of the reasons why woman like to learn different languages.

 Single does not need to be lonely, single can be alone at some time !

单身=寂寞?

Arnaud van der Veere (荷兰)

翻译:王 政

没有多少人不害怕单身的滋味,他们以为“单身等于寂寞”。真是这样吗?单身的人真的总被孤独环绕着吗?事实给予我们的答案是:不,他们并不常感到寂寞!虽然他们也有这样的时刻要独自咀嚼,但现今社会里,许多已婚的人不也深尝此种况味?孤独,已不再稀罕,即使是处于一段关系之中。而且往往,越是被人群包围着,包围的人越多乃至成千上万,我们内心却越发觉得空无所依。因此,人群中,人群外,寂寞无处不在。不过问题是,究竟是什么让我们体味寂寞呢?

寂寞,其实是一种特定的精神状态,你渴望与人交流,但那时那地却无人倾听,无人可诉说衷肠,这种感觉也许只是一时,也许更长久。它是多种欲望的复合物:想要找个人说说话,希望有人理解自己,渴望自己被欣赏、被感激、被在乎。在这样的时候,复杂情愫之间所蕴含的张力赋予你的感觉就是——孤独或寂寞。对大多数人来说,寂寞的感觉都是短暂的,从不做过多停留。它来了,你觉察到了,它走了,如此而已。孤独感是一种强烈刻骨的领悟——你并不完整,因为你缺失了一些东西。孤独是泛滥的情绪,是伤人的利刃。

孤独寂寞往往与抑郁症相关,因为这种精神状态是负面而消极的,它萌芽于心里冒出的几个小小的念头,然后便一点一点地壮大起来,就像肿瘤也是从某个单细胞开始的。这些消极的念头,起初只是孤零零独自被留下的感觉,是感觉遭到了忽视,被避而远之,不受重视与赏识。它们仿佛毒药一样侵蚀着你的大脑,更关键的问题是它们很难甩掉,尤其当你单独一个人的时候。大多数饱尝孤寂之苦的人,会逐渐丧失适应社会的能力,变得难以生存。因此,我们将其视为抑郁症的形式之一。

相反地,从生理角度看,孤单一人却是独立的表现,它说明没有另外一个人与你生活在一起,目前不存在这样一段关系。有时候,孤家寡人的确算不上什么好事,何况还会招惹来寂寞的感觉。然而,当今社会,独身生活可以带给你不菲的好处,使你自我的身心发展都获益匪浅。工作这个“怪物”,已经变得“胃口”超大——越来越贪婪地“吞噬”着我们的时间,我们中有太多的人每天至少工作12个小时,而超过这个数字也早都成了家常便饭。这暗示着,恋爱也好,婚姻生活也罢,只能统统地留到晚上。可是,仅仅同床共枕并不利于双方建立共同的生活目标,也不利于彼此加深理解与沟通。一段良好的关系应该要求更多!

目前在中国,人们似乎对自己心目中“理想伴侣”的要求越来越高,很多人都能清晰地罗列出一系列的择偶条件。何来这样的“择偶清单”呢?一方面是源于个人的经历,另一方面是受各界媒体、电视新闻的“耳濡目染”,再者就是朋友们之间时常交换的心得体会。于是乎立志,不娶个“完美”老婆、不嫁个“完美”老公,誓不罢休。然而,这种对完美的追求却跟传统的价值观发生了抵触,因为传统上女性只处于从属地位,相夫教子,服侍男性而已。可我们的女性不愿再做附属了,年轻一代甚至都不太懂得如何侍奉自己的男人。新一代的女性必须是独立的,接受过良好教育,生活目标定位明确,能像男人一样肩负起“狩猎”的职责。但,这可不是中国男性所想往的女性形象,因为她们完全与男人平起平坐,以至还超越了男人而高居在上。不过,话又说回来,男人们是否理解为什么女性会扮演这种新角色呢?很遗憾,答案是“不,他们不理解”。

单身女性通常不是因为“想”单身才单身的,而是由于根本没多少可选择的余地,又加之长辈亲友们期望殷殷,总极力促使她们尽快“上岗”——为人妻、为人母。有时,她们不得不让步妥协,但并不表示她们喜欢这样。鉴于独生子女政策,女性既要担当起照顾父母的责任,又要成为家里的经济支柱,为自己也为父母的将来做好打算。由此可见,女性已经承担了本属于男性的传统家庭角色。除了扮演家庭中的“男性”外,女性们还须在职场上扮演“社会男性”,她们肩负“两座大山”,哪还有力气和心情去花前月下、谈婚论嫁?

当然,女性们还是足够积极活跃的,日常工作之余,很多人都有自己的社交生活。她们搭建关系网,开拓人脉,与朋友们互通往来,参加各种各样的业余活动。相比之下,男人们不太擅长与人交流,除了工作和同事,就没有多少朋友了,于是他们便把社会关系当作了一种消遣,来自娱自乐。其实,男性大都对家庭关系有着很强的依赖性。

针对单身男性和单身女性之间的不同点,我已经在中国做了相应的研究,结果表明,这两者存在着显著差异。相当数量的单身男性仍然跟父母生活在一起,要不就是住在单位的集体宿舍,总之是与他人共享着个人空间。单身女性则为有个“自己的家”而努力奋斗,她们尝试着为自己争取独立的住所,争取一方只属于自己的小天地。看起来好像,男人们不太在乎个人隐私,即使心情不爽的时候,也宁愿跟其他同性们在一起,而不是纠结于自己家里的那些清官难断的事儿。根据我的研究,我发现,两性通过不同的途径和方法,满足沟通与交流的需求。男性在即时的环境背景下,与他人进行交流;女性会找寻其它的机会,比如借助互联网。这恐怕也是,女性喜欢学习各种语言的原因之一。

 

单身不必寂寞。

单身不过是一段时间的独处!

 

 

                                                                   2011-2-10