Most people are scared to be single. They think that being single is equal to be lonely. But is this true ? Are single people always lonely ? The answer is ; no they are seldom lonely. They do have moments that they feel alone. But in current days many married people have the same feeling. Being alone, even in a relationship, is no longer a rare event. The more we are surrounded with the millions of people the more we have moments of being completely alone. Even in a crowd we can feel very lonely. The question is WHAT makes us feel lonely or alone ?
Loneliness is a certain state of mind. It is a moment, or longer, that you have a need of communication but no change to get it at that moment. It is a combination of desire to communicate, to be understood, to feel appreciated and cared for. The intensity of that moment can make you feel alone or lonely. For most people the feeling of being alone is momentary, it comes , your realize it and it passes away. But feeling lonely is a kind of intense understanding that you miss something, you feel you are not complete. Loneliness is emotional and can hurt.
Loneliness is related to depression. It is a negative state of mind that starts as a few little thoughts and slowly grow like a cancer cell starts with a single cell. The negative thoughts are leading from feeling of being left alone, feeling neglected, avoided and often not-appreciated. These thoughts are poison to the mind and the main problem is that they are hard to get rid of, especially when you are alone. Most people who suffer from any form of loneliness will slowly lose their abilities to function well in society. We can consider loneliness as a form of depression.
Being alone on the contrary is a state of physically independency. You are not living with another person in a relationship. Sometimes being alone is not nice and can cause loneliness. But in today’s society being alone can deliver great benefits for your own mental and physical development. Work has become a time consuming event and most of us work at least 12 hour a day and more is not unusual. This implies that having a relationship is only reserved for the night time. Only sharing the bed is not good for creating common goals and understanding. A good relationship demands more !
In China the demand for the perfect partner is rising. Most people have a list of demands for a partner. This checklist is drawn by experience but also by information of social media, TV and discussions with friends. The perfect husband or wife has become a target. This strive to perfection is conflicting with the traditional values in which the woman has a serving place. Our woman are no longer willing to serve and the new generations are not even able to serve a man. The new generation woman must be independed, well educated, strong in target orientation and carrier hunting. Most Chinese man do not want such a woman. This kind of woman is equal or even superior to the man. But do men understand why these woman are like that ? The answer is , no they do not understand.
Single woman are often not single because they want to be single. They are single because there is not much choice and the demands of family is forcing them in a position they have to accept but it does not imply they like it. Due to the single child policy woman must be caretakers for the parent and financial providers for and their own and the future of these parents. Woman have taken the traditional role of the man. With taking over this role the woman also have become social male, this is a burden many must carry without the ability to start a relationship.
But the woman are active. Most have a social life next to the daily work. Woman create social networks , have communication with friends and join activities. Men have problems with communication, do not have many friends beside work and colleague and use social networking for entertainment purpose. Most men are strongly depended on their family relationships.
In China I have searched for the differences between being single as male and as female. There are significant differences. Most single male still live with their parent or in work dormitories or male houses and share their personal space with many. Single woman strive to get their own place, they try to have their own home, their own private space. Men seem not to care much for privacy and even while unhappy still prefer the company of other males above the privacy of their own home. In my study I was confronted that the need for communication for both genders is solved in different ways. Males communicate with people in the immediate surroundings, female look for other opportunities like via internet. This is one of the reasons why woman like to learn different languages.
Single does not need to be lonely, single can be alone at some time !
Arnaud van der Veere （荷兰）